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After scanning in some photos from my year in England, I came across my jounals from that year, too� Iapos;ve been reading them the past few days and they are hilarious� Canapos;t believe how much I�mention folks from the old barflies and selectflies lists.� Thereapos;s some very interesting stuff in there about my reservations about going to medical school.� I guess I got over it� HAHA� Iapos;m on the 4th journal right now.� I think Iapos;ll save the rest of it for tomorrow case it is time to go to sleep now.

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Iapos;m so done with myself.
�
one two three.. Iapos;m gone. Itapos;s as simple as that...
like when you leave, it happens in a matter of seconds.
but i canapos;t seem to make it that simple.. I have to KEEP�GOING.
as usuall, i never know when to stop and end it, you make me so happy
and so angry at the same time. I hurt so much, i miss the old days, i miss you.
i want you, i need you, i have you, but you seem so far...
�
where did you go?

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For all that Jonathan and I spent about 5 hours cleaning today, the house looks even worse than when we began. Itapos;s just that sort of project. I pouted and whined last week because on my day off I tried to tackle some of the clutter thatapos;s been bugging me and I realized I had no where to put it because the closets and bookcases are all full. Jon brought me flowers and a promise weapos;d clean up this weekend. So we cleaned out more than half of the boxes in the garage, to make room for the boxes weapos;ve been storing under the stairs, so we can move some of the boxes from upstairs. ;) It sounds circular, I grant you, but it was mostly a matter of moving stuff further down the accessibility scale as we moved from one location to the next, figuring out what stuff we needed, what we could get rid of, and what stuff we still wanted to hang onto but perhaps didnapos;t need to have so close to hand. So now the house is a disaster and the cat is nervous, at least until the next trash day. We have several piles of stuff: the pile of broken down boxes for recycling, the pile of trash, the pile of old broken electronics that need to be recycled, and the pile of stuff to be donated. Weapos;re going to end up sneaking stuff into the neighborsapos; trash for the next few weeks, thereapos;s so much. Either that or Iapos;ll schedule an extra pick up. ;) There are some areas of the house that look better already, but mostly the changes wonapos;t be noticeable to anyone but me. ;) Still, I feel liberated. Iapos;m one step closer to eliminating all the major clutter from the house. Maybe one day Iapos;ll tackle the garage, but after today, I think my urge to clean will remain dormant for awhile. I kinda feel like someone beat me with a stick, Iapos;m sore and battered. Jonathan was completely unenthusiastic about this project, but I think itapos;s important to do every year or so. I dunno how two people manage to accumulate so much crap, damn our consumer culture
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Lately I have been feeling like the odd man out. I�donapos;t know why or think i have done anything but�Kori and Gina are always together now. Not that its a bad thing but i just donapos;t feel like they are connecting with me as much as they used to.

My mom was lookin ginto nbuying us a house to live in for next year but they have already made up�their minds that they want to stay in the school house. It bugs me that� they wont even look at the house and they arenapos;t thinking about it logically. It would be SO�much cheaper, its a way better location, and� we would just have more space. Another reason I�know they want to stay is because our football guy friends are going to live here and they are OBSESSED�with them. It is driving me CaRAZY I like hanging out with them but for them, they revolve everything they do around what these guys want to do. Its SOOO annoying i donapos;t even know what to do anymore. They are pissed at me because i didnapos;t go and sign the lease with them today. I know deep down that I will eventually I just hate that its 3 of us and its always 2 against 1. I donapos;t have alot of confidence so when im the 1 i am super apolpgetic but i donapos;t feel like i have done anything wrong so im going to try and not be. I just need to keep calm and do my own thing and hopefully they will miss me.

they are in the room.

peace.
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Received a free apos;giftapos; from Shoppers today of KOTEX pads.

Thanks?

WTF. I havenapos;t used a pad since high school. And why send them as a free gift??

The last Shoppers gift I got was free body wash, gum, listerine strips, hair elastics and some hair and face product samples...

This time I get maxi pads...


Went to Joshapos;s after work for a bit with some Jr. Bacons because we were joking about it last night and this morning. It was fun. Nice to go to Wendys too and say Hi to David and Jaime. David and I may make plans for next saturday. Yay~ Jaime and I need to get together again.


I fell in love with ANOTHER winter jacket and work and I might get this one. Itapos;s houndstooth and a little ruffly and dressy. But itapos;s so CUTE I feel cute while wearing it. Iapos;m gonna go in tomorrow and try them both on again with Kris there and see if I should get the grey and black or the white and black...

Peach said she may be able to help me fix my old black wool coat from last year... So I want something a little dressier because I have nothing dressy. And if you saw the coat you would adore it too. Ha ha.

Tried on the ripped Toni jeans at Hot Gossip today that Iapos;ve been eyeing forever. At work we only have 1 pair of ripped Tonis in a size 25. So when I saw them in a 30 at Hot Gossip I wanted them...

But I donapos;t know... They donapos;t compliment my ass very well...

They make me a little sad. I donapos;t think "yay, cute bum" I think "what is that trying to do?"

But I want a pair of dark wash, ripped jeans... And I thought the Tonis would be them...

I almost feel like trying to just find some random Aiko bootcuts and distressing them myself with a grater...

Maybe Iapos;ll look around Le Chateau tomorrow.

LOVED working with Travis today. Today was such a GOOD day. And I now have 5 days off. What to do with myself?

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I know I said I wouldnapos;t make another video until some more episodes had aired, but Iapos;ve been ill for the last couple of days with flu :( So while I was bored and ill I decided to make another Merlin/Arthur vid.
Anyway this video is pretty angsty and is really focused on Merlinapos;s feelings for Arthur (Which he thinks are one sided...but as we all know they arenapos;t ;)� )







If people want me to upload it on to megaupload then ask. :)


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There has to be a conclusion to all of this.� There has to be hope somewhere.� There has to be a reason for all this.� Iapos;m walking in the dark with no flashlight.� Perspective will come to me.� It always does - just when Iapos;m about to give up caring.� This problem must be FIXED.� Somehow, everyone else is able to fix his problems, but I�am just at the end of trying to cope.� I�might as well get used to the darkness.� Of all people, God had to put me through all this.� Thatapos;s the annoying part.� He wonapos;t bring EVERYTHING�crashing down.� Just enough to get me irritated.� Just enough trouble, grinding on my mind.� Just enough help to keep me from going over the edge.� Just ENOUGH.� And in the end, Iapos;ll be like Jonah - seething and wishing I�was dead - except I�am on no crusade to help people understand life.� People seem to have it figured out well enough.� Iapos;M the one who has to figure it out.� Iapos;M the one on the hot seat.� Iapos;M the one who has to deal with it.
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